It is currently 11:45 p.m. All of my kids are currently sleeping which never happens, and I’m sitting at my computer wiping away tears…

A few days ago I posted a video about all of my insecurities. One of the insecurities which I’ve had since I can remember is my ethnicity. Yes yes, I am asian for those of you who didn’t already know, I know it’s not obvious, but I am. 100% Korean to be exact.

Adopted at 13 months old I have lived in the midwest ever since. I’ve touched base on this topic before and my issues with being in an interracial couple and growing up in predominantly white areas, but I’ve never REALLY gotten in to how much it’s really effected me and hurt me over the years and as I’ve found out tonight, still hurts me.

Asians have a lot of stereotypes. I’ve heard them all. For the sake of respecting myself and my fellow Asians, I won’t repeat them, or list any. Growing up I’ve been called all sorts of derogatory names and to this day get made fun of in some way by adults and even kids out in public.

I’ve cried a lot growing up. I mean A LOT. I’ve wished for bigger boobs, to be taller, tanner, bluer eyed, and also WIDER eyed…

Part of me is pretty sure I married a caucasian man because subconsciously I didn’t want my kids to have my eyes…

I remember a few months ago receiving a comment on one of my videos that had my son in it. The commenter made the comment that it is really sad that my kids had my eyes and that I should probably stop having more…the hurt and embarrassed asian in me agreed. Not because I thought my kids were ugly or that their eyes were, but because I feared that they too would cry. Cry because of their eyes and I would cry with them.

As an adult I’d love to say that I’ve gotten over the school yard bullying and that I’ve grown in to my skin and who I am. I’d love to say that in the past few years of getting stereotypes thrown at me as jokes, or red necked white men asking me for wasabi are things that I’ve just been able to brush off and move on from, but I can’t. Each time I’ve cried. Each time I’ve been ashamed. Each time I’ve felt ugly.

Tonight I was reminded even more that there are still really mean and ugly people out there. While watching the most recent viral video entitled “Why I’d hate to be asian” I again started to cry. I clicked the play button expecting to feel bad for the person in the video because obviously only a sad and miserable person would say hurtful things to the whole world…but instead the second the term “chink eyes” came out of his mouth I was 14, a freshman in highschool, being made fun of and being called the same exact thing again in the choir room…

As I sat there with tears rolling down my face my husband asked me why I was torturing myself. Honestly, I couldn’t and can’t answer that question. Part of me thinks it was out of curiosity and the other part of me thinks it was to remind myself that there are still people out there that don’t like me because of the way I look, so that way when I do come across someone again…maybe I won’t be as hurt if I’m expecting it.

xoxo-

Kelli